3 July 2015

Slow Down!



The city put up one of those roadside electronic speed reading/posting devices this year outside a schoolyard. One of those ones that light up and tell you, "Slow down fuckhead!" if you go a little fast.  Every school will have one soon. If there is one thing governments like more than signs it is electronic signs.

You would think the city would turn the fucking thing off now school is out. Not a fucking chance.

Device is located across the street from a party house. One of those houses you find all across our big fat fuck of a country occupied by young people who think landscaping means throwing all their empty beer cans on the front lawn every weekend and most weekdays.

When I drove by last night there were several young men racing by the sign naked except for a beer in their hand to see who could post the fastest speed so far as I could tell. Young people hate seeing technology wasted.

2 July 2015

Best Hockey Player Ever?



At the party last night, after everybody had drank most of their refreshments, I asked a question I like to ask of people I do not know real well.

"Who is the best hockey player ever?"

Miles answered first. "Mark Messier!" He said without hesitation.

Everyone laughed at him. Best Canuck for sure. Not even best Ranger ever.

Wished I had not brought it up. Mark Messier. Seriously? Everyone felt sorry the guy until we got back into the beer and forgot it ever happened.

1 July 2015

Feeding Snakes To Dogs



Was at a party last night. Woman there was telling a story.

"When I was little a boy named Oliver in my day care used to drop his pants, stretch out his his dick real long and play it like Jimi Hendrix. I was best buds with him. We did everything together from feeding garter snakes to dogs to catching insects for our dads to fish with. But what I really wanted to do was pull a dick out of my pants, stretch it out and be Johnny Winter to Oliver's Hendrix.

"So one day I asked my mom why I was not built the same as Oliver. My mom told me boys and girls are different. Boys have guitars to play with. Girls have harmonicas."

28 June 2015

Welcome to 1984



Do not make many predictions here besides the annual easy announcement that the Dope City Canucks will not win the Stanley Cup. When the DCFP makes a prediction we like to be 100% sure we are right. So pay fucking attention.

There will be a momentous attack on Canada before October 19th. The attack will almost surely come courtesy of Canada's now officially out of control Orwellian police/surveillance/provocateur agencies. Those motherfuckers want Harper and his shithead buddies to stay in power more than anybody and they like to think they can scare this once brave country into line.

That is what C-51 is all about, motherfuckers. Scaring the shit out of Canadians. Get fucking used to it.

Some people will scared into silence too. As for the DCFP we are not backing down.

Ever.

25 June 2015

Short Walks



I am already missing the long mountain walks the Hammer and I have enjoyed so many of over the years. She misses them too: the great smells you find rarely off mountain - bears, cougar, deer and the like; creeks colder and clearer than the city kind; the energizing shade of tall timber.

We still take car rides together. Me driving like a repo man, the Hammer's handsome head piercing the breeze, her nose taking in the farm smells like an hungry anteater.

We make the most of our short walks. Houses and the computerized crap they are all crammed with have become voluntary prisons for too many of us. You only live once and, for you young people who will read this, if you do not get it in now you never fucking will - yours will be a wasted life if you spend too much of it indoors.

Fresh air and bird song are reward enough for me getting off my ass. Two of the Hammer's favourite rewards are still there for her - getting her belly tickled by the long browning grass and chance encounters with strangers and their smelly butt dogs.

23 June 2015

8-Track Saturday Night



Stayed up late last night
Drinking icy blackberry wine
And
Listening to 8-tracks.

Did not even
Do that
In the glorious
1970s.

Did drive around smoking dope
In a friend's vegetable truck
Listening to Dark Side of the Moon
On his quadraphonic 8-track.

I was a hippie/I was a burnout...

20 June 2015

Hits 50



Just
The dog
And I
Tonight.

The dog,
Me,
The record player
And a bottle.

Listened to
The Who's
"Hits 50"
On the 100 watt stereo.

Me, the dog, a bottle and the Who forever, motherfuckers.


18 June 2015

Dope City Free Press Statistics Day (Yawn)



Ever wonder who the fuck reads the Dope City Free Press besides yourself? Probably not but I am going to tell you just for the fuck of it.

You are mostly like to be, in order, a Canadian or a fucking American. The bloody Brits, Squareheads and the Anarchist French fill out the top five.

The country Canada likes beating the brains out of in hockey the most is next; followed by everybody's favourite not-communist-any-mores the Chinese; next up are Indonesians who ought to be preparing for the next tsunami to hit them instead of reading my shit; following them are my beer drinking crocodile fighting buddies the Aussies; filling out the top ten is Brazil who can only afford to do shit like read my blog after spending all their money and then some on last year's World Cup and the Olympics next year.

What I find interesting in the statistics Google compiles about my place in the big fat fucked up internet universe is the smaller countries that sometimes rise into the top ten on a weekly or monthly basis.

Places like Portugal, Ireland and India.

One country you would think might crack the top ten once in a while is fucking Japan. Well populated fucking country after all. Every other country on Earth likes to read a little English language content now and again. English is, after all, the best most expressive language in use on Earth. Not the Japanese. Do not want to piss those fuckers off though because they buy a lot lumber that keeps me and the brothers working. And besides, kicking their ass in a war once sure made them a lot more friendly to the rest of the world even if deep down they still wish they were Hitler's little buddies fighting openly for Fascism.

16 June 2015

Mambo Sun

My life's a shadowless horse
If I can't get across to you
In the alligator rain
My heart's all pain for you

- Mambo Sun
 T Rex
1971



Watched a movie on the Bravo channel on the weekend. Liam Neeson number. Violent as a slow Surrey Saturday night.

During station breaks Bravo were promoting some future programming of theirs. Shit I will never watch. Nice they used T Rex's "Mambo Sun" as the music for the spot though. Proper rock 'n' roll that. 

Electric Warrior. Old school that. On my television.

Will not do for the Modern World. Now you need to be an Electric Wizard. Been a fan of their's since yesterday.
  
Maybe 44 years from now a television network will use an Electric Wizard song in a station break. "I Love the Dead" perhaps.

The Future just might turn out to be that kind of motherfucker, motherfuckers.






15 June 2015

Sundown Lake Early In the Morning



Took the Hammer to Sundown Lake this morning.

Early.

Real early.

Before the beach crowd, which is short on love for dogs sharing their beach, showed up with their pails, shovels and shit.

Sundown Lake was where Sonja and I first took the Hammer once we got her home from the farm she had waited patiently for us to come and fall in love with her. Been there lots since too. She was happy as a dog can be once we had escaped the highway sun and disappeared into the shade of the surrounding mountains she recognizes so well.

I took photos of her swimming and dancing in the cold water, clear as any you will find in Canada.

"Having fun sweetie?" I asked.

She shook approvingly.

Hope I get to do the shit I like doing when I am on my way out too.

A couple cold beers on the same beach would work.