29 March 2013

Fear and Loathing in British Columbia - Campaign 2013 (Part One)

I have been round all seven of the campaign offices now set up to headquarter their candidate's vote attracting efforts. I am now a member of three political parties and a supporter of one hopeless as a hunter on the moon independent. All the campaigns have agreed to start me out phoning potential voters on the phone.

That is what they do with people who do not know what the fuck they are doing. What they do not know is I do. "Hi, I'm Beer. I'm calling on behalf Fearless Leader X and Fearless Local Candidate Y. As you know Fearless Leader X has promised if elected he will both ensure the Canucks win the Stanley Cup and lower the price of beer. Can we count on your vote on May 14th?"

If you have not already heard a click when you are that far into your script chances are you are talking to someone leaning your candidate's way or already supporting him. Some people will talk your ear off about all kinds of crazy shit. One time, many years ago, an old dear told me she blew WAC Bennett in their school's woodshed before the old boy had ever dreamed of coming to BC.

After my various watchers have figured out I can talk to people I do not know and do not give a fuck about as long as they vote the right way I will be sent outdoors foot canvassing. You will recognize me by the I need a fucking beer look in my eye.

I have already met four of the seven candidates I am working for. If you want to talk to your local candidate the time to do it is now. Before the writ is dropped a couple of weeks hence. Just drop in. If you want to make sure you are favourably received bring some money or tell them you would like to volunteer as soon as you can. My first impressions? The Liberals are still in a state of total denial. They are acting like Ernst Zundel in a Holocaust Memorial. The Conservatives are like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: ready and willing to fight to certain death; the NDP are like Prince Charles waiting for our Queen to croak, ready to assume the power and the glory. The independent appears to be looking forward to the May long weekend.


Danneau said...

Too bad that, as I read this and comment, it is, even by my rather loose standards, too early for a beer. I'll have to come back and visit this evening. Was Hunter S. Thompson a conjoined twin at one point?

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

My only relationship with Thompson is he warmed up my interest in reading books and a lot of other cool shit when I was 13 and I came across "Hells Angels." I hope the old boy does not mind my seconding one of his most famous phrases as my campaign series continues. I am guessing, however, I will not be able to converse freely at side-by-side urinals with Nixon-in-a-skirt.

RossK said...

Sounds like it's going to be one long 'Freak Party In Lowland Cascadia' to me.

Looking forward it.

And, of course, there must be a soundtrack.

Personally, especially if you want to keep the ghost of the good Docktor happy, I strongly suggest you include Rosalie Sorrels.


Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

You have me thinking about how much Aspen and Steepleton have in common - both cities need a new sherriff and, well, I guess that's about it.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

...and thanks for the heads up on Rosalie whose presence will soon one day grace my record collection. And may I also favourably note the similarity between your eldest's voice and hers?

karen said...

Oh man! I want to live in your riding! This is going to be great fun. Please keep up the dispatches!

RossK said...

Doesn't Steepeton also have a Jerome Bar?

Man. I dunno...Although I'm pretty certain that my kid would be thrilled to be compared to Ms. Sorrels, even if only tangentially.

She also did a whole lot of cool stuff with Utah Phillips, which is somebody I reckon you might also have an affinity for as well.


Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Phillips, who I listened to a lot a couple decades ago on Dope City's venerable CFRO-FM, is not represented in the old record collection either. Odd that and to be rectified. Well, maybe not that odd for someone who's listening habits were formed in the heavy metal basements of Sliverville. Been a while since Phillips died, I'd kind of forgotten about him. Thanks for the reminder.