8 March 2010

Reign Valley Vixens 2010 Opener

All I missed by attending flat track roller derby's Reign Valley Vixens' first bout of the 2010 season was the motherfucking Oscars. That and the five bucks it cost me to get in, five bucks I could have pissed away at the bar in five minutes with nothing but the Canucks and an old man in the corner passed out, pissing in his pants, to entertain me.

First thing I noticed was that the girls were providing no beer garden that night. Boo. Good thing I had drank quite a bit before I got there and had some pills with me. The only thing I do straight, and not even that most days, is wake up.

Besides the geometry of the playing surface - an oval - roller derby resembles horse racing in one very important way - as soon as you walk in the door you enter another world - a world of women in this case - quite the opposite of the sawmill world I spend much of my time in.

I took a seat, a suicide seat, on the cold concrete floor, I did not bring my own lawn chair as I was invited to, the same cold concrete the Vixens would soon be meeting with their farm girl flesh just as soon as their skates were knocked from beneath them one by one.

The bout between the Kiss Me Deadlies and the Doomsday Bunnies began slowly in the cold, old barn but once the girls got warmed up the violence me and about 200 other twisted motherfuckers and their children came to see began. Sugah Bomb, the roller girl I wanted to see skate the most, may have broke a leg and was sent by the first aid attendants to the hospital.

Soon after Sugah Bomb left the building, the Deadlies' Juvie Hall landed hard on the small of her back, hard enough the whole crowd gasped in pain, and lay there not moving for several painful seconds. Looked like she just had all the wind knocked out of her. She was soon back on the oval looking for instant retribution.

There were no further serious injuries in the first half of play, which the Kiss Me Deadlies dominated the way Canada dominated the Russians in the Olympic hockey quarter finals.

During the break I made enquiries about Sugah Bomb who did not scream as her broken bones tore into her flesh like broken glass. "She's so tough," I was told by a source close to the team, "when she gets knocked down hard she always jumps back up right away. We knew she was hurt bad when she stayed down."

In the second half I looked at the match less critically, enjoying the colourful socks, revealing fishnet, sexy wheels, frilly underthings, body paint and the smiles and grimaces of the girls who enjoy hitting and being hit as much as I like watching them assault one another.

The bout became more and more violent as the second half progressed with gang hits, elbowing, knees to the butt and more mayhem than I could calculate.

During an injury related time-out there was much giggling from the Doomsday Bunny bench as they plotted revenge on the Deadlies like Guy Fawkes plotted revenge on Parliament. Seconds later the Deadlies' Extreme Diva put an end to the plot against her team with a shoulder check on Juvie Hall that would put both Sedins out for the season.

The Deadlies won, last score I saw was 125-64, but they will miss Sugah Bomb if she is not healed up in time for them to take on the league leaders in unprovoked sex and violence - the Anarchy Angels - in April.


Anonymous said...

FYI Mr Beer'n'Hockey.....The Deadlies are the League leaders, undefeated last season and workin on round two for another shut out performance.

A crazed Deadlie fan.

Anonymous said...

Is this even real?? Seems more like a staged event like the movie Whip It....is it worth going to??

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Depends whether you think anything is real I guess. Roller derby, perhaps the greatest DIY sports story of our times, grows every time someone like you tests their skepticism of derby's competitiveness at the track.

You too may become a crazed fan of the Deadlies or some other team in a league close to you. All it will cost you is your roller derby virginity.

Juvie Haul said...

This is Juvie Haul of the Doomsday Bunnies, and I'm hopeing to see you out at our Sweet Valley Drive By derby double header this Saturday night April 24th :)
The Bunnies will be once again taking on the Kiss Me Deadlies, while our other league team the Anarchy Angels take on the visiting Saskatoon Roller Derby League Team!
Tickets are $12 at the door, but you get to see 2 games, it's stadium seating at the MSA Arena in Abbotford (no cold ass!) and there's a BEER GARDEN ($4 a beer!). Doors open at 6pm!
Check out our facebook for details and bring your friends!
--Juvie Haul #U18

Anonymous said...

Blog author, is there any way you can please contact Juvie Haul and have her contact me about a roller derby name conflict? I can't seem to find any other way to contact her... my email is misdeelee@gmail.com.


Juvie Hall, Rose City Rollers (Portland, OR)