Another Year of Roller Derby

As I merged onto the highway I could see the emergency crew, which had completely blocked traffic, loading the fresh meat into the ambulance in my rear view mirror. There was no traffic to get in my fucking way so I sped my old car up to 150 mph. A little faster and I would have been as exhilarated as I would be later in the evening at this season's first roller derby show.

When I arrived in Sliverville Hunky Z was drinking Chartreuse and beer and portioning us out some magic on a sticky glass table. "You're fucking early," he told me as my first shot of Chartreuse tried unsuccessfully to give me a bleeding ulcer. "Motherfucker flipped on the highway. I slipped onto the highway just past where it was closed off. Had the whole fucking road just about to myself."

"You psyched for derby?" asked my old friend.

"Not yet." I told him. "Give me another shot and my share of that magic shit you got there and I'll be ready in time for the first whistle."

The Chartreuse was ice cold and the beer was from Hell's Gate. The magic was an obscure mushroom variety from South America. Hunky got it from one of his old military contacts. Obscure varieties of poisonous mushrooms are difficult to detect when you have to piss in a jar for your country.

You probably cannot drink beer, shoot Chartreuse, eat South American mushrooms and drive. I can. It is like my dad used to tell me when I was a boy. "You're a Newf b'y. You can fucking well do anything."

On the way to derby and on the way home later the Dope City bulls were hassling young men in their Escalades and Hummers. Young motherfuckers do not know shit about getting around undetected.

There was a crowd already formed outside the arena when we got there. Everybody was trying to figure out if they were high enough to go inside and maintain their buzz with $4 beer. Derby fans are not like fans of other sports. We are a rock show crowd and we do not want a game - we want a fucking riot and we get one every time.

After a couple fast beers in the crowded beer garden we took our seats in the grandstand. Beside us were a couple fast young women and their men I recognized from the rock show the Vibrators and the Gutter Demons put on three or four years ago. My memory is not terrific but I remember good looking women just fine.

As the two teams on the floor below us finished their warm-up skate Kyle, Stacy and their kids came in and sat near us. It was their girl's birthday and she did not want to go fucking bowling to celebrate her 16th. She wanted to see some derby. "In a few years I'm going to be down there on the floor kicking ass!" There are a lot worse role models a sixteen year old could have. Many of the role models I had at that age were soon dead.

Kyle and Stacy's other kid, a boy younger than his sister, fidgeted with his first roller derby hard on the whole show the same way I did when roller derby was on television when I was his age.

The bout between the Bad Reputations and Riot Girls was a good one. It was good to hear elbow pads, knee pads and helmets crack on a cement floor again. My favourite roller derby girls are all Faster Pussy Cats but it was good to see the Riot Girls' Trixi skating again. One of the things I like about derby is the way the girls are not uniformed exactly the same the way other team sport's players are. Trixi was sporting red frills on black shorts and I cannot stop thinking about it.

There were some great pile-ups on the floor but it did not look like anyone got injured too badly. That is the way last season began as well before each bout got more vicious than the last.

Next show is May 9th at the Minoru Arena. See you there, motherfuckers.