12 April 2009

Another Year of Roller Derby

As I merged onto the highway I could see the emergency crew, which had completely blocked traffic, loading the fresh meat into the ambulance in my rear view mirror. There was no traffic to get in my fucking way so I sped my old car up to 150 mph. A little faster and I would have been as exhilarated as I would be later in the evening at this season's first roller derby show.

When I arrived in Sliverville Hunky Z was drinking Chartreuse and beer and portioning us out some magic on a sticky glass table. "You're fucking early," he told me as my first shot of Chartreuse tried unsuccessfully to give me a bleeding ulcer. "Motherfucker flipped on the highway. I slipped onto the highway just past where it was closed off. Had the whole fucking road just about to myself."

"You psyched for derby?" asked my old friend.

"Not yet." I told him. "Give me another shot and my share of that magic shit you got there and I'll be ready in time for the first whistle."

The Chartreuse was ice cold and the beer was from Hell's Gate. The magic was an obscure mushroom variety from South America. Hunky got it from one of his old military contacts. Obscure varieties of poisonous mushrooms are difficult to detect when you have to piss in a jar for your country.

You probably cannot drink beer, shoot Chartreuse, eat South American mushrooms and drive. I can. It is like my dad used to tell me when I was a boy. "You're a Newf b'y. You can fucking well do anything."

On the way to derby and on the way home later the Dope City bulls were hassling young men in their Escalades and Hummers. Young motherfuckers do not know shit about getting around undetected.

There was a crowd already formed outside the arena when we got there. Everybody was trying to figure out if they were high enough to go inside and maintain their buzz with $4 beer. Derby fans are not like fans of other sports. We are a rock show crowd and we do not want a game - we want a fucking riot and we get one every time.

After a couple fast beers in the crowded beer garden we took our seats in the grandstand. Beside us were a couple fast young women and their men I recognized from the rock show the Vibrators and the Gutter Demons put on three or four years ago. My memory is not terrific but I remember good looking women just fine.

As the two teams on the floor below us finished their warm-up skate Kyle, Stacy and their kids came in and sat near us. It was their girl's birthday and she did not want to go fucking bowling to celebrate her 16th. She wanted to see some derby. "In a few years I'm going to be down there on the floor kicking ass!" There are a lot worse role models a sixteen year old could have. Many of the role models I had at that age were soon dead.

Kyle and Stacy's other kid, a boy younger than his sister, fidgeted with his first roller derby hard on the whole show the same way I did when roller derby was on television when I was his age.

The bout between the Bad Reputations and Riot Girls was a good one. It was good to hear elbow pads, knee pads and helmets crack on a cement floor again. My favourite roller derby girls are all Faster Pussy Cats but it was good to see the Riot Girls' Trixi skating again. One of the things I like about derby is the way the girls are not uniformed exactly the same the way other team sport's players are. Trixi was sporting red frills on black shorts and I cannot stop thinking about it.

There were some great pile-ups on the floor but it did not look like anyone got injured too badly. That is the way last season began as well before each bout got more vicious than the last.

Next show is May 9th at the Minoru Arena. See you there, motherfuckers.


Gazetteer said...

"$4 beer....

Heckfire Beer.

You're right.

Derby fans are not like the rest of us punters who take in other sports around town.

Because, comparatively, you all get a great deal on the suds.


Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Dope City's minor sports teams are not the only games in town a man can afford to take his family to. A ticket, a t-shirt, a couple beer and I still had two bucks left from a fifty.

Gazetteer said...


In that case I take that back.

Because you must get a good deal on Beer AND T-shirts.

Anonymous said...

YAY! Mr Beer is back :) And yes your favorite team should be the Faster Pussycats because we are the hottest team in the league fool. Alot of the girls were super sore the next day. Trixi did look super hot in those scivvies. Even I can't stop thinking about it! Great to have you back beer, and hopefully in the next year or so, we will have a junior team so your friend's girl can start cracking heads early :) I'm retired now, as my back has been fucked up by 3 years of derby. I'm pissed, but what can you do. So I will be on the bench yelling at our 13 new rookies on our team. There will only be 4 vets skating May 9th, and the rest, fresh blood, so get used to new broads out there! Andi will be playing though,and I know she's your fav! Thanks for the support Beer!

- Dorothy Hammer (Hammer)
Faster Pussycats

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Good to hear from you Dot. I thought you must have been facing a physical challenge when you were on the bench late last season. I too have had back problems at times. My advice? Visit your local pool a few times a week and drink more beer.

I thought there were a lot of fresh faces behind the merchandise tables on Saturday. One of them even shared a smile with me that got my knees all wobbly.

Cannot wait to see Andi. I hate to single out individual skaters when I look back on a night of derby, as I did with Trixi after the highly entertaining season opener, because I admire you all, but if a man is going to write he might as well write about what catches his eye. Lulu was really the star performer that night. What great moves in close company!

And by the way, your comment reminds me of what a dandy writer you are. You write energetically, as I try to. I read your myspace last year and had the same thought. Hope you find time to do lots more of it!