For as long as I have been drinking coffee and eating breakfast at Ma's she has been propping up the same greasy green midget Christmas tree by the washroom door come the first of December. She throws a small string of mini lights on it and a little dazzle of tinsel. Merry Fucking Christmas.
As I was looking at the tree this morning it occurred to me that I have never heard anyone say anything bad about someone else's Christmas tree. Not to their face anyhow. So when Ma brought my steaming breakfast out to me I asked, "So Ma, you ever think of maybe getting a bigger Christmas tree?"
She looked at me like I had asked her if she ever wished she did not have such a retarded son. "You no like tradition. Always want new this, new that."
"There's nothing traditional about a three foot tall plastic Christmas tree."
"Where I get money for new tree? You think Ma richy bitch."
Ma is cheap. I bet some of the eggs I eat are laid by blind chickens in her unlit basement. I had to think of something. The three foot Christmas tree was driving me fucking crazy.
"How about if I pay you an extra quarter for my breakfast for the next year. That'll buy you the best tree on a Christmas tree lot."
Ma thought about it. There had to be a hitch. "What about decorations? New tree need new decoration. Cost money."
"Get your own decorations Ma. Do I look like Santa Claus or something?"
4 comments:
There are some giant stumps around here that have notches cut in them for a plank. Compared to cutting those trees down by hand, I have never done a days work in my life.
Hey what's untraditional about a greasy three foot tall tree? You no like tradition? We used to have a dispatcher who liked Christmas. She would decorate the driver's room with a big tree and tons of lights. She retired, but left the decorations to the dispatcher who took over. He left them to rot in the box. Someone got a two foot tall fake tree and stuck it in a corner, kind of behind the microwave. Makes the place look real festive.
There's still lots of handlogged stumps like that around here too. Teenagers used to sniff glue and make out in them when I was a kid. Used to nearly always be huckleberries growing in the rotten wood of the top of the the stump. Other small trees too. Most of the urban stumps have been bulldozed now though.
Imagine the feeling of accomplishment you would have after having dropped a tree 15 feet across with a double bit axe.
Christmas tradition. We have a few in this house. My favourite Christmas tradition is hanging the old set of Original Six Christmas ornaments on the tree. I always hang the Canadien's one somewhere where it won't piss me off every time I look at the tree.
Man.
I wish I had a set of California Golden Seals ornaments, circa, 1971/72.
Then I'd put this guy right on the freakin' top of the tree so he couldn't low ball me.
And then I'd put his skates underneath it so I could fly like the wind @ 3:00am Boxing Day morning while me and my friends played hip-check during ZamboniMan sleepin' free ice time....
OK?
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Forgot to mention.....it's Reggie's skates I want, not Hilly's...All the better to fly down the right wing with and let fly when not flung ass-over-teakettle by friends lined up on blue in game of on-ice 'cream-um'......
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