I went through a pile of cookbooks before I decided what to cook for dinner tonight. We had lots of vegetables and a few Soylent Green potatoes handy so I picked out a vegetarian Shepherd's Pie recipe from a Buddhist cookbook I bought from the local coven of Buddhists several years ago. The pie is cooking in the oven while I have a can of Heineken and listen to the dishwasher do its dirty work.
Religions make me vomit like a bulimic but my association with the martial arts has given me a soft spot for the Buddhists. When they were out here in Steepleton trying to suck up some converts from the many wacky Christian and Muslim sects I thought it would be a good idea to check them out.
Their priests sure do dress funny. Why do priests all have to all dress so fucking funny? The priest dressed like a skinhead in a dress.
The good thing is the Buddhists are not for war like most all the rest of the religious orders of the world. I began to take a shine to the idea maybe I was a Buddhist after all. I signed up to join a retreat they were having in the farm country not so far from where I keep my beer cold.
The retreat started off good. All the people there seemed real nice. One woman turned out to be an old girlfriend of Jimi's ex-wife. She was a strange old bat who I always liked well enough. The food, all vegan, was superb. Those Buddhists can cook up a motherfucking storm.
Several times a day we had a session with the little sexless female priest the Dope City chapter of Buddhists had flown in to vibe up the troops. There were prayers involved in the sessions and that is when I realized I could no more be a Buddhist than I could be an animal sacrificing Christian like my neighbours. I do not believe there are any Big Ears Out There listening to anybody's prayers. I did not pray their stupid fucking prayers.
Not praying was OK for the first day but the second day the skinhead in a dress tried to force me to pray because everybody else was. Fuck that.
That night I smoked a joint outside the huge house we all stayed in and went to bed. When I laid down I had a vision of one of the Buddhist's cool religious designs that are right out of a '60s mushroom magazine. I opened my eyes and started packing before it was too late and I was praying like an idiot with the rest of the gang.
Those Buddhists sure were nice. If they had served beer with their brown rice and vegetables and they did not pray I might be a skinhead in a dress now.
When I got home that night I laid on the floor and had a stretch. Sonja was glad I was back but disappointed she would not get our big bed to herself. "I knew you wouldn't last with those fuckers." Women are rarely wrong. My dog Ranger, lying in a heap of fur nearby, wriggled his big body next to mine for a hug. Ranger was happy I was going to remain an Atheist and take him for a hike in the forest and a little fishing the next day instead of doing anything stupid.
Symbolically I threw a can of beef consomme into the Shepherd's Pie. Sorry Buddha, you motherfucker.