14 February 2006

Handful of Aphrodisiacs and a Cold Case of Beer

On my way home from one of the last big Dope City sawmills today I had to make a few stops. For once I remembered it was Valentine's Day tomorrow. This is not necessarily a good thing. The last time I remembered Valentine's Day I picked up Sonja some stuff I figured was romantic. Turns out what a guy thinks is romantic on the way home from the sawmill is not what his true love has in mind. Apparently Valentine's Day is not about watching a porn movie and washing down a handful of aphrodisiacs with a cold case of beer. "It's about Romance."

So today when I remembered to make an effort on Valentine's Day of the Romantic variety I asked myself if Sonja had been dropping any hints. Woman drop hints like my dog drops shit in the park. I could not believe it when I remembered her mentioning how she could use some spa time. So I headed to the spa to pick her up a certificate. I figure that will go over better than a good bad movie and some suggestive underwear. Remember: Valentine's is for Romance; Christmas is for Sex.

The spa ladies were kind of surprised to see sweaty old me had visited their sweet smelling establishment in the past. Damn computers know all! I went with Sonja's dad. We had our feet done in there together. The experience ranked up there with my strangest as Sonja's dad shared some his old ranch hand stories with the girls who were working our feet with their most industrial callous files. Like all old men Sonja's dad is real proud of having worked for room and board and pennies a day in his youth. "But you should have seen the steaks. My God, they would have choked a lion but all the ranch hands ate them down in minutes, burping and farting the whole time." Now when the subject of ranching comes up I ask Sonja's dad how he and the other cowboys celebrated Valentine's Day together. If they had beer and hockey packages for the spa I would go again.

From the spa I went to the card shop where I found a card that made fun of my fuck handles. Is there anything more Romantic than a man who can laugh at his own grotesque body? I had to elbow a few other late shoppers out of the way to choose a card. Men like to do their shopping fast but when it comes to choosing a $5 card we are slow as a politician developing a sense of ethics.

Damn Valentines! It is enough to make me heave!

I remember giving what I thought was a particularly good Valentine card to one of the girls in my grade 5 class. She was a pretty blonde who would grow to become even more so. She looked so cute when she said, "Take your card and shove it Beer. I'm never going to kiss you!" She never did either.

Valentine's Day was the day Sonja and I had our first date. We went to a swank Sliverville restaurant with a waterfall inside it. We recognized an old Coffin Cheater and his old lady at another table. They were taking turns going into the upscale can to snort coke. The waiter served Sonja wine even though she was only 16. Sonja bought her first case of beer in the Ridgeview Hotel when she was still 14. If we were not already in love, after that date of wine and cinnamon hearts we sure were.

When I finally got home from shopping I had time to take the Hammer around the block before dark. She is so excited when I get home. Today we just went up to the school ground with the silly "No Dogs" sign wired to the fence by the gate. I do not run the Hammer up there when there are kids around even though she is warming to kids. But when there are no kids around the Hammer likes to run around in their heaps of garbage looking for a treat. It must have been gross dried out popcorn day at school today because there were bags of the shit everywhere.

My old dog Ranger used to sneak out of the backyard to go play with the kids in the schoolyard. The principal finally got all huffy and put an end to Ranger's fun by phoning the dog catcher. Principals are the miniest Hitlers of them all.

Around the corner from my house a teenage girl and her skateboarding brothers stopped to see how the Hammer was doing. I had tried to introduce them when Hammer was a scaredy-cat young pup. It was good to see her let them pet her and eat the cookies I gave them to feed her.

I love my Hammer and I love Sonja the most. Happy Valentine's Day to both of you.

I must be in a Romantic mood. I think this is my first entry in 2+2 without the word motherfucker in it.

1 comment:

Ed said...

Damn, Beer! Ya had me all weepy-eyed until the last sentence.