4 August 2016


Walked a dog for the first time since the Hammer died on the long weekend. Sonja and I were at an outdoor party where leashed dogs were on the invite. A couple, neither of whom felt like hanging onto their pooch all that much, were trying to convince one another to be the dog handler. It became clear neither of them were interested in being the taker at that particular moment.

"I'll take him, " I offered.

"You sure?" they asked a couple times.

"Give me the fucking dog and go fucking enjoy yourselves," I told them.

Dog's name was Whiskers. He was attached to one of those retractable leashes. Never used one of those before. Bit gay for my liking. Even had a poopy bag dispenser attached to it.

"Fuck the party," I told Whiskers as I stuffed a couple beer in my pockets to go with the fresh one in my hand. "Let's go for a walk."

We had not gone far before I changed Whiskers' name to Knickers.

Pretty soon Knickers had to take a shit. "Good Knickers!" I told her. "You're the best Knickers ever."

I picked up the shit, twisted the bag up tight because Knicker's shit smelled a lot like flowers, and we continued on.

When we got to a church I threw the bag of dog shit on their lawn. Knickers looked at me sideways when I did this. "The voices in my head told me God wants his priests want to eat dog shit today," I explained. Knickers must have understood because he took another shit (I did not pick up) on the church lawn. Gave them an empty fucking beer can too.

"Good Knickers! You're the best dog ever!" I told her as we continued on our happy way.

After a bit we came upon a pretty lass. She bent over and petted my new dog. Gave me a pretty good show.

"She's cute. What's your dog's name?" she asked.

I told her.

"Cute dog but weird owner," she offered.

"She's named after the noise horses make," I lied.

She seemed unconvinced. Kids watch too much porn these days. Dirties up their minds.

"Nice meeting you Knickers," she said before we went our separate ways.

It was nice walking a dog again. Never know what the fuck is going to happen next when you have a dog.

"I should have named you Panties," I told Knickers as we turned the corner back to the party.

"Have a nice walk with Whiskers?" Sonja asked when I got back.

"Whiskers? I thought the dog's name was Knickers. She is a bad dog. She shit on the churchyard."

"We'll get another one for you soon," Sonja reassured me.

"Can I name it Knickers?"

"No Beer. No one names their dog Knickers."


e.a.f. said...

of course you can name the dog knickers. a lot of people don't even know what knickers mean these days.

nothing better than having a dog. a lot smarter than a lot of humans and nicer too.

Lenin's Ghost said...

Hmmm.....not every day a cute young lass pets your knickers.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

It would be fun bringing a dog named Knickers into vet.

ib said...

I fucked in a churchyard once. It did not occur to me to sweep the immediate vicinity for anarchist IUD's.

I believe we were wholly without protection, but my memory - much like my anatomy - is no longer what it once was.

Dog turds for the curate. In and out of plastic baggies. You have style.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

DCFP - doing it dog style since 2005.