15 December 2014

Christmas Update To Recipe For Instant Asshole

At my local Anarchist meeting today (come by the pub for lunch every 3rd Saturday of the month) we had a discussion about whether the time has come to update the popular recipe for Instant Asshole. This may not be the sort of shit your local Anarchist group discusses but it is just the sort of thing that comes up with some regularity at our table after about the second beer.

It was noted that people sure are not drinking as much as they used to before our party pooper provincial government lowered the boom on drivers who so much as think about having a drink before heading for home in their car. Someone suggested that maybe, in this one instance, a government had got a law right and did a service for the people instead of screwing them like usual. Less drunks on the road has to better than more, right?

Not so fast oh ye of little faith in the Anarchist path.

It was agreed by the time we ordered our 4th round that the law is keeping aunt Mae from having her second glass of wine with dinner before she drives home but (and it is a big but) it is not the aunt Maes of the world driving into shit when they are drunk. The people who drive into shit after they have been drinking are fucking alcoholics who drink (on average) one fuck of a lot more than two glasses of wine with dinner before getting behind the wheel of a car.

Fact is, it was further discussed, there are now so few people left drinking around here, especially at Christmas compared to Christmases past, it has gotten hard to explain the number of assholes we are surrounded by this time of year. Clearly something else was causing people to become assholes at Christmas besides the outdated excuse of booze.

The obvious answer was Christmas itself. After quite a lively discussion during which the Christian Anarchists in our group suggested some of us had our heads up our ass a little further than usual it was agreed that, this time of year at least, it is not alcohol that creates Instant Assholes, it is Christmas that does it to everybody.

Take a drive around your local mall's parking lot and I think you will agree whole heartedly.

It was further agreed to print up t-shirts that read in seasonally cheery print, INSTANT ASSHOLE - JUST ADD CHRISTMAS.  


Danneau said...


ib said...

Jesus. It never once occurred to me that there might be such a thing as Christian Anarchists. Not this side of (the first) millennium at least.

Fuck aunt Mae. Let's hear it for the boy.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

My tattooist once claimed there was no such thing as Christian tattoos. I will leave that one to the philosophers to puzzle over. Tolstoy's ghosts haunt this town of mine whenever the moon is dim, the fog rolls in or the flu hits the local PD.