26 October 2014
Tale of a Blue Ass Dog
Some things, it must be said, are easier to write about than others. (That is what I was thinking as I looked at what once was a blank page until I tuned into WDVX-FM and began listening to Little Richard and Chuck Berry and my toes started tapping and I got happy as a man with a case of beer hanging from his arm and my fingers start hitting the letters on the keyboard and I got to making words like all writers do until they give up and die like motherfuckers.)
The Hammer, I could not help but notice the other day, got diarrhea. The Hammer does not like it when she is not shitting like she usually does. Regular dog shit is hot enough. I imagine dog diarrhea must be hot enough to cook on. Imagine shit that hot pouring out of your ass.
Upon closer inspection I noticed my old dog's ass had turned blue as those funny shooters I see women and their sissy boyfriends drinking in the bar when they are trying to make sure someone is going to be puking out the car window on the way home from the bar.
Off to the vet we went. Told the vet, "The Hammer is not shitting right and her ass has turned blue."
The vet checked out my dog, who appeared to be doing fine, and was figuring what she had was just another case of a dog not shitting right that did not really need fixing but who would go home with medicine that would make her owner think the vet was doing his job and knew everything there was to know about dogs not shitting right.
That was when the Hammer raised her tail and the vet could see her ass - blue as the Caribbean. "Never seen a dog's ass that looked like that," is what he said disbelievingly. Apparently there is no medicine that will make a dog's ass go back to its normal colour after it has turned blue so he just gave me some stuff to help her shit right and told me, "Keep an eye on your dog's ass. If it gets any bluer than that or changes into some other colour a dog's ass is not supposed to be bring her back in."
The Hammer has got better. Shits like a champ. But her ass is still blue. Reckon some asshole must have spilled some extra dye into her dog biscuits back at the factory. Could see him laughing with his work buddies thinking about how some asshole's dog's ass was going to shit fire and turn blue. Is kind of funny when you think of it. Funny enough for me to never buy that brand of dog biscuits again.
Fuck you Milk Bone motherfuckers.