11 December 2010

More Secrets About Ontario

I bet if I lived in Ontario I would have even more shit to write about than I have in Dope City. Spending time with Ontarians is like spending time with the Rolling Stones in 1969. Turns out Ontarians need a few days of warm-up drinking before they get good and unhinged.

I like a good drink with breakfast on my holidays but that is not good enough for Ontarians. When they wake up in the middle of the night to piss they knock back a couple before they go back to bed. "That's the secret to not getting hungover," one Ontarian confided to me. Too bad it also the Leaf's secret for never icing a decent hockey team and Ottawa's secret way of making sure nothing ever gets done there but drinking.

Sonja and I were minding our own business, having a drink with a couple who claimed to be from Ontario but they could not possibly have been from there because they were not loaded enough, when a swarm of real drunken Ontarians swooped down on us like forty proof zombies. They all appeared to be paired off happy heterosexual couples until one of the women in the group fell to her knees and started fondling me in front of her boyfriend who was far too gone to give a shit if she was fondling a crocodile.

That is the second time I have been fondled by a strange woman in the last couple months. Never happened before in my whole life. Once you get to be a certain age it seems women want to give you a fucking heart attack or something.

She did not fellate me or anything though. Just drooled on me. Maybe that is why Ontarians have so few babies: all they ever do is drool on one another.

Once she was done Sonja asked me, "Why didn't you stop her from drooling all over you like that?"

Women do not go for for being drooled on the way men do I guess. "I was going to but I was outnumbered. Don't want to piss off the Ontario crowd. There's way too many of them. As a British Columbian it is my duty to try and keep the Ontario people on our side. Otherwise the motherfuckers will never legalize dope for us."

Just being near Ontarians teaches you all you need to know about that most cherished Canadian value of all: drunken political expediency.


theo said...

“Drunken political expediency”.
OMG. I should have gone into politics?
I can’t even begin to imagine the tax benefits I’ve lost.

Oh wait. You’re saying “bat-shit drunk” isn’t the same thing?

Many of my friends are Ontarioians and they are always liquor enabled.
Damn. I should have known but then, I’m a liquor pig as well.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Welcome class to Drunk Political Science 101. Here is another theory of mine. People around the western world are drinking less and less. That is what the statistics say anyhow. People are also voting less and less. Therefore, it stands to reason, the only reason most people vote for any political party at all is because they are bombed.

uniplmr1 said...


Old Celtic rule and bumper sticker.

RossK said...

I think we should start a fund to raise dough to send Beer and Sonja travelling at all times.

Because this stuff really is better than Ezra.


I just thought of something....Who the heckfire is taking care of The Hammer?


Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

I sure do like writing about my escapes from my routine working man life. I walk the same path so often, same as just about everybody, a new path to walk on is like a brain transplant. Travel writing might even be up my alley but where o where is the market for Gonzo Beer Journalism?

The Hammer is in the yuppiest dog hotel you can imagine. We first tried her out at a cheap dog house but she moaned and kept all the residents, canine, feline and human, up all night for two weeks. She loves the yuppie place - sits there and wags her tail all day long when not being pampered and sleeps through the night like Lassie after a busy day saving drowning, crippled, under-privileged children.

RossK said...

Glad to hear this...we do the same thing occasionally with the Whackadoodle.

However, do the yuppies have dog booze and/or (sterilized?) crap to roll around in and/or eat...

All joking aside - really enjoying the travelogue.


Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Now that you mention it the Hammer does seem satiated when we pick her up from the dog hotel and yuppies are known for eating shit and saying it tastes good....

To make matters worse we were talking to a couple from that pinko bike riding country that gets Don Cherry steamed just thinking about them not named Quebec about how much it costs them to have their horses taken care of while they are away. Turns it it costs them less per horse than we pay to keep the Hammer out of trouble per day. The gangs of Dope City could make more money running kennels than they make running dope.