11 December 2010
More Secrets About Ontario
I bet if I lived in Ontario I would have even more shit to write about than I have in Dope City. Spending time with Ontarians is like spending time with the Rolling Stones in 1969. Turns out Ontarians need a few days of warm-up drinking before they get good and unhinged.
I like a good drink with breakfast on my holidays but that is not good enough for Ontarians. When they wake up in the middle of the night to piss they knock back a couple before they go back to bed. "That's the secret to not getting hungover," one Ontarian confided to me. Too bad it also the Leaf's secret for never icing a decent hockey team and Ottawa's secret way of making sure nothing ever gets done there but drinking.
Sonja and I were minding our own business, having a drink with a couple who claimed to be from Ontario but they could not possibly have been from there because they were not loaded enough, when a swarm of real drunken Ontarians swooped down on us like forty proof zombies. They all appeared to be paired off happy heterosexual couples until one of the women in the group fell to her knees and started fondling me in front of her boyfriend who was far too gone to give a shit if she was fondling a crocodile.
That is the second time I have been fondled by a strange woman in the last couple months. Never happened before in my whole life. Once you get to be a certain age it seems women want to give you a fucking heart attack or something.
She did not fellate me or anything though. Just drooled on me. Maybe that is why Ontarians have so few babies: all they ever do is drool on one another.
Once she was done Sonja asked me, "Why didn't you stop her from drooling all over you like that?"
Women do not go for for being drooled on the way men do I guess. "I was going to but I was outnumbered. Don't want to piss off the Ontario crowd. There's way too many of them. As a British Columbian it is my duty to try and keep the Ontario people on our side. Otherwise the motherfuckers will never legalize dope for us."
Just being near Ontarians teaches you all you need to know about that most cherished Canadian value of all: drunken political expediency.