19 July 2009

God Damn Christian Music

As usual I had already had my fill of black coffee and had switched to beer when Sonja emerged from the old fartsack to greet the Hammer and I. She had a quick look around our shack to see if I had done everything on the list she wrote up after I had passed out last night. I had. Good Beer. I suggested a little skull might be in order. Sonja said, "Maybe later." I picked up my list, the one that says SKULL at the top with many MAYBE LATERs beneath it. I added another maybe later and suggested we had some catching up to do. Sonja rolled her eyes towards the Baltic blue sky. I love it when she does that.

Once it was steeped just so, Sonja took her tea onto the patio but she did not stay out there for long. When she came back in she told me, "The motherfucking neighbours are playing Christian shit again." I cocked an ear out the window. Sure enough some band of Nazi talentless shit for brains were braying about Jesus, God and Salvation at the top of their preacher who jogs ten miles a day lungs.

Sonja asked me to, "Put a record on. Drown the fuckers out!" I put on the Heartbreakers' LAMF. Have not heard the Christian Rock Motherfuckers since.

I took the dog out. Everybody was listening to Motherfucking Christian Music as they washed their cars and complained to one another about the Hindoos shooting up the town like Jesse James. Fucking Christians have gone soft. Used to be they had the ultra-violence racket all sewn up. The Hammer and I sunk into the woods to escape it all but their was No Escape. From the woods I could hear some loudmouth opera cunt butchering a favourite old Badfinger song of mine out of somebody's patio speakers. I gotta get out of this place. Lucky for me two peregrin falcons were flitting around the woods, singing their own rock 'n' roll song.

Back at home I replaced the Heartbreakers' record with The Who's Quadrophenia. Listened to the whole thing like a mod motherfucker. Quadrophenia is a record that sounds better and better with the passing years. Keith Moon, wherever the fuck you are, come back and drive your car into my tasteless neighbours' swimming pools.


Jon said...

What about, like, Christian Death Metal? Huh? Actually, I quite like old gospel music and have been known to get really heavy whilst enjoying some sacramentally themed Mozart, but when they put that "Christian" tag in front of some moronic sub genre I end up wanting to stomp on puppies and kittens.

However, once, back when I owned a jeep and made full jeep use of it, I was moderately lost in the desert somewhere between, Arizona, California and Mexico I found myself listening to a "Christian" punk rock show. I was surprised. Some of it was pretty good. None of it sucked any worse than the other non "Christian" punk rock that has come out in the last ten years.

I once met a couple of young, Russian Orthodox monks. They told me that they had been punks before they became monks. They explained that they really hated the world and played loud guitars and dressed to offend squares etc. Then they met up with some orthodox monks who told them, "You hate the world? No kidding! We hate the world too! We renounced the world and it's ways and everything!"

They told me they really dug that, so they became monks which meant that they still dressed all in black and everything. Then they said that would be doing an all acoustic set of "Christian" folk music at a "Christian" coffee house and I should come check them out.

I decided not to go.

Nazz Nomad said...

Quadrophenia and LAMF. Oh to be in Canada...