25 May 2009


There were some good things about school. When the girls started wearing see through tops that was ok. There were a lot of bad things about school and right at the top of the list was school assemblies. The truly evil nature of education is made most apparent by each school insisting on getting every student in their facility crammed into a gym several times per year. Individual students could be counted on to pass out, vomit, have seizures, shit themselves, hallucinate, be violent and otherwise act inappropriately during every assembly. Assemblies, like fucking near everything in Canada, were like a good hockey game.

I remember one teacher in particular, Mrs. Sheldon, lean over to one of her fellow teachers during an assembly and ask, as students dropped like flies before her, "Why do they always have to lean back on their heels and pass out and vomit every time we have an assembly?" I think it may have been because we were bored shitless. Why not lean back on our heels and get a good buzz going?

In England the older boys, including me, who sat at the very back of the assembly hall, where we were assembled every motherfucking day, would fart as loud, long and often as we could as the headmaster bored us every bit as efficiently as a priest could. Students who could gusto-fart on demand when the (usually) short passage of the Bible was read were especially well regarded. Farting like that cured all the boredom related assembly problems we had except for the shitting of oneself. It was in England where I learned having a spare of shorts in your locker is one fuck of an idea.

1 comment:

ib said...

Yes. Farting at school assemblies is a right of passage.

At primary school we were once treated to a police lecture on road traffic safety with all seven years packed into the gym hall arse to floor. We were mesmerized by the flashing yellow lamps they brought to illustrate some vague point. Many of us had one at home, dragged back from accident scenes alongside cats eyes prized up out the middle of a road with the aid of a pocketknife.

At some point, the copper up on stage was interrupted in mid flow by an especially piercing fart. It was as loud as any police whistle.

The headmaster went apoplectic and refused to allow the school to disperse until the offender stood up and confessed.

As I recall, we all missed lunch as a result, but it was worth it.