29 June 2008

Distant Places

Hunky Z had got wind I was on a sizzling streak at the racetrack. "Let's go to the races before the roller derby Beer. I want proof in my wallet of your hot streak. If we win I'll buy all the beer you can drink at the roller derby." When Hunky does get out to a day at the races it is usually just to attend to a little business, same reason some people golf. This time Hunky was coming to the races to win money. Hot streaks do not last forever, the pressure was on.

When we arrived I opened up the form on my lap in the grandstand. We had an hour to wait for the first race so I looked over the past performances for the third race being run up in Edmonton. I liked the four. We went downstairs to watch the race on the television. Hunky bet big, people in The Business bet heavy with their bookies, at the track and in the casinos. All part of the magic of Dope City.

The four left the gate at 17-1, led the whole way, winning by several lengths. Hunky wanted to kiss me, the motherfucker. We cashed our tickets, the game was still being kind to me. Hunky said, "I guess I can start buying the beer now."

My streak appeared to go cold until the seventh race. I felt one horse was much better than the rest and its closest competitor, the favourite, was sure to finish no worse than second. We both bet the one to win and boxed the one and favourite in the exactor. We both bet the race heavy. The one took a ton of late dope money, dropping its odds from 5-1 to 3-1, he took an easy lead out of the gate and won unchallenged. The favourite just managed to hang on to second.

We cashed our tickets like we cashed huge tickets every day, grabbed an early meal and some more beer at a Portuguese place just off the Drive and made our way to the roller derby. Before we left the restaurant I asked the owner, "So what happened to your fucking soccer team?" "You support England you motherfucker," he cursed, "so shut up already. Everybody now call your team the Underwear Men." He was referring to Beckham's latest advertising campaign. I had to give the old man a slap on the back for that one. Geezers cannot play soccer for shit but they sure have a sense of humour.

The derby was fantastic. Roller derby is the most entertaining sport on the planet that does not involve horses. It is like figure skating if figure skaters chose teams and skated in circles smashing each other onto their cans with better music in the background.

Hunky is all out for the Bad Reputation's Rollergirl. She is the Gordie Howe of the league. I kind of like Faster Pussycat Andi. I like it when she loses her cool. Last night, when I could take my eyes off Andi, I focused on Rowdy Ruby Roundheel as she made her way around the smooth oval. My mind wandered to distant places.

And I got to see Roxy eat a hot dog, loaded.


Anonymous said...

Faster Pussycats - Championship 2009!

- Rowdy Ruby Roundheel

ib said...

Man, I almost avoided commenting here in light of the double whammy with the homoerotic image of Beckham reinforced by a professed support for the England squad. Och well, kudos where it's due... At least you like Portuguese food.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Becks in his undies is a metro-erotic image I hope. Coincidently, the curling nation of Scotland last had national team football success when Jock Strappe was manager. As Ian Hunter put it, "England rocks!"

ib said...

Hah! We may be renowned for fielding a shite national football team, but at least we know we're shite.