Trois chien merde

My first dog Strangler was a dog's dog. She shit at least four times a day because Sonja and I fed her the cheapest dog food available and every kitchen scrap you could think of. Her favourite food was hot dogs with all the trimmings. The only thing she did not like was onions. She would eat half a leftover casserole we did not like but spit every bit of onion off to the side.

Her shit did not smell that bad for some reason. It smelled like a poisonous flower. I guess you could say her shit smelled like Guy Lafleur after a hard night on the wing. And I never had to pick up Strangler's shit when I was out with her because she always shit in the long grass at the edge of fields and always well off the trail when we were on one. Always.

Ranger had food issues so we had to feed him fish and potato dog food. He also ate every fruit and vegetable on the farm. Apples were his favourite. Ranger's shit smelled like Brian Mulroney's efforts to rehabilitate his dog shit image. (That motherfucker can F.O.A.D. like the rest of our wretched Prime Ministers.) He too discretely shat in the long grass of field margins and off the beaten trail.

The Hammer eats lamb and rice with a little kelp and flax seed oil. Soy cheese is her favourite treat but she loves her vegetables too. Her shit stinks like an overfilled Johnny-On-the-Spot left out in the July Saskatchewan sun until the end of September. And she farts all the time too - especially after she gets home after one of her large shits. She farts in my face as I follow her up the stairs. Luckily her shit is worse than her fart. The Hammer only shits twice a day but her shit is big enough to equal six big dog shits easy.

The Hammer likes to shit in the middle of fields and the centre of trails. I clean up after her even though I just about puke every time I bag one of her ghastly droppings.