20 February 2007

Drinking, Drugs and the Canucks

Every city has a defining characteristic. Dope City's is the rain. The rain drives us crazy with Fear. Fear in turn drives us to drinking, drugs and the Canucks.

The Canucks are the local hockey speedball made of the purest Bolivian cocaine and the bloodiest Afghan heroin. The Major Junior Giants are the hockey speedball made of Mexican smack and cocaine that is half baby laxative, one quarter Bolivian cocaine and one quarter methamphetamine. (In the fall takes yourself out to a day at the racetrack followed by a hockey game in the rink Slapshot Two was filmed in. It is the best day of sports to be had in the East End of any city on Earth.)

Further down the hockey drug ladder are our area's many junior 'A' franchises. These are the equivalent of smoking a big bowl of hash in the parking lot of a bar in Saskatoon. You will go home happy after a game because your wallet has not been lightened too bad but you will not likely get the same craving for more hockey like you get at the speedball arenas.

Yet another step down the hockey ladder you will find Junior 'B'. There you will find the hockey players who did not take steroids and such in search of their dream of playing speedball hockey. They bash each other senseless for the benefit of people like me who are too environmentally sensitive (cheap!) to drive somewhere to watch speedball or hash hockey. Such teams promote themselves as homegrown hockey.

Get out of the rain and into a rink this week!

No comments: