4 June 2006

Do Not Fuck With My New Red Machine

I had a few beer in me so Sonja did the driving. Sonja drives safely for someone who does not drink much beer. When she is driving she says cute things like, "Don't touch me when I am driving," and, "How many beer did you have after work anyway?"

We were going lawn mower shopping. I was thinking we might buy a rechargeable electric model I had seen on the showroom floor previously. The motherfucker was $500. Sonja said, "What about this one?" The lawn mower she had her eyes on looked just like the one Jimi's parents gave to me 20 years ago when Sonja and I rented our first mangy lawned house in Sliverville. It was for sale for under $200. It was not self propelled or anything. Sonja explained, "It will give you a chance to use your new gym muscles." Luckily the store had no hand powered models in stock. Or scythes.

Sonja, back when she used to share a house with her brother Bjorn, had a landlord whose family came by every month or so with a couple scythes to cut the lawn.

I said, "Let's try Sears." We buy all kinds of shit from them. If you like malls I have some advice for you: use it or lose it.

The lawn mower we are replacing was bought at the Sliverville Sears many years ago. I pushed it across the highway to our house after I bought it. You see all kinds of weird shit in Sliverville. When I was pushing it home, waiting for a light to change, a crack head approached me. He told me, "I know someone who will give you top dollar for that motherfucking mower man."

The same mower I bought all those years ago is still about the same price today. But that same mower got clogged up like a sawmill shitter a lot because I usually cut my grass about two weeks later than I should. So I picked out one that had a little extra horsepower. It is gas powered but a sticker on it said it conforms to California exhaust emission standards. California Uber Alles.

I was all smiles aiming the shiny new machine across my lawn. The sun glinted off the chrome like the moon glints off a new Space Shuttle. Some guys get a kick out of new cars or motorcycles. I get mine from new lawn mowers. Too bad Sears does not make cars.

I hope my car lasts as long as my last lawn mower did. Fat chance.

No comments: