16 January 2006

Ken Dryden for Prime Minister

The date is approaching with the sureness of purpose of an early morning beer shit. Yes I am talking about the Canadian election. Now that we are all back to drinking and fucking with our usual force after resolving to drink less and fuck more all talk is about electing a new Boss for the great Mob of Canada. I have even been asked a time or two for my learned opinion on the subject. "Hey Beer! Whaddaya think? We should toss the fuckin' bums out?"

I am always in favour of tossing the bums out. Governments should never be elected in the first place. But once we have made the mistake of electing one we should throw them out at the earliest possibility. If an elected government cannot make whatever improvements it thinks possible in four years, it will never accomplish them in another four years. Kick the motherfuckers out! Voters' biggest mistake is voting in incumbents. Fuck 'em. Get a real job.

Except for Ken Dryden. If Ken Dryden were Prime Minister our country would kick ass.

Who to choose to replace the previous lot becomes then the question. This is the easy part. All you have to do is ask yourself which candidate, party leader or some combination of the two most resembles a hockey guy. This is why Canada has yet to vote in a woman as leader. We don't get to watch women playing hockey enough. And when we do watch them play hockey they never fight! Boo! So if there any women running in your area cross out their fucking names.

Let's concentrate on the leaders. That sheep shagger Harper does not look like a hockey player to me. Looks to me like he is more cut out to have played American football at one of that country's weird religious schools like Brigham Young. And the worst hockey player on the planet can manage a better fake smile in front of a camera than that cow tipping motherfucker. Cross out all the Conservatives off your list unless you are sure they are ready to give 110%.

That brings us to the Commies and their Chairman Jack Layton. Jack does look like he might be a good coach of a peewee girl's team in Toronto. But he reminds me too much of that motherfucking Dr. Phil on the TV. Do you want Dr. Phil for Prime Minister? Cross the motherfucker off the list!

If the Bloc ran candidates out here where the beer is clean and the women are dirty I would vote for the Bloc. Gilles Duceppe has got fucking hockey written all over him. If you are in Quebec and your motherfucking translator is not pulling your leg about what it says here vote for the guy with the hockey accent. Gilles Duceppe looks like a fun guy to have a beer with.

That leaves us with what are sometimes called the fringe parties. The fringe are what Mr. Beer N. Hockey refers to as character players; the kind of guys you need on your team to win the championship. These are the people to vote for in this election. If the Conservative sheep shaggers are to get in they must be elected with as few votes as possible.

If you are lucky enough to have a Marijuana Party candidate in your area by all means vote for him. The Marijuana Party has only one woman candidate on their team. That shows the good hockey common sense we need to run this country.

Next election I hope to be able to endorse a Beer Party. Until then, keep a close eye on your flock.

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