31 January 2006

The Canadian Dream

Only Nils' dad, grand dad, Sonja and I made it to the second of his hockey games within driving distance of my place. This night Nils' Bush Rat team mates took on the Cherrydale Chuggers at their big new arena.

The Chuggers really took it to the Bush Rats for the first period of the game. Only an outstanding performance by their goaler kept the score 1-0. At the intermission I walked around the rink. On my tour I saw a bunch of female figure skaters in uniform. They would skate to the music of the Pink Fairies during the second intermission. If Canadians believed the same crap Muslim suicide bombers believe in we would be blowing ourselves up in the belief that when we went to Heaven after going BOOM! we would have our faces sat on by smiling figure skaters. We would not give a damn if they were virgins but it would be nice if they did not have camping crotch.

I overheard this snippet of conversation between two old timers as the Zamboni did its work.

"The fucker missed a spot."
"God damn it he did too."
"Kids these days can't even drive a Zamboni, nevermind cars."
"All they do is play video games and smoke pot!"

In the second period the Chuggers jammed in another puck. The figure skaters cheered lustily in Heaven. My nephew patted his goaler on the ass with the blade of his stick. Every time he turned around I could see Sonja's maiden name on the back of his sweater. The name of her brother who I played marbles with in the days before video games and pot smoking. Handsome Nils Manitoba was a real life hockey star. He does not have to blow himself up to have figure skating sweeties sit on his toothless grin.

During the second intermission Nils' grand dad and I both wished we had brought our binoculars as the figure skaters danced in unison to "Do It", "I Wish I Were a Girl" and "Neverland." We both felt like a couple of pigs from Uranus. As a bonus a frisbee toss was held. The figure skaters came out and picked hundreds of frisbees off the ice when the contest was over. Someone should teach those girls to bend at the knees.

In the third period the Bush Rats scored. I hollered like I'd hit a monster superfecta at the race track. Most of the rink looked to see who the loudmouth motherfucking Bush Rat fan was. I hollered some more. My throat is still sore as the East End Killer's ass is going to be when he starts in on his federal time.

Good thing the Rats did not score any more. I probably would have gotten beat up. The Chugger fans sitting in front of me still have ringing in their ears. I'll have to sit in a different section next game. Or maybe I will just save my money and go see some figure skating.

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