29 December 2005

The Original Ronald McShitter

My mom worked the front window at the local movie theatre when her family was little so we got in to the Saturday mattinees for free. We saw all the Lone Ranger movies and the magic 1966 Batman movie that had us kids buying Batman cards and decoder rings and stuff. That is the earliest movie I remember whose producers figured they could make a pile of dough selling more than the movie to the kids.

At the mattinees we cracked jokes and drew figures of naked women on the walls before licking the back of ju jubes we stuck where the nude women's breasts would be. We were some kind of funny little motherfuckers.

One Saturday afternoon movie must hold up today as the most special mattinee ever held at the Sliver City Cinema. That was the day Ronald McDonald came to entertain us before the movie began. The big movie house, which must have held close to a thousand toffee and popcorn eaters, was sold right out. McDonald's was still new in those days, they did not even have a Mayor McCheese or anything yet I don't think, and we heard Ronald was going to do a magic show so we were all bursting with excitement. Me and my brother Axel sat with a bunch of our fellow Christian retards from Sunday school at the very front so we would not miss any of the action. Those of us who have been taught about resurrections learn not to sit too far from the action or you are guaranteed to be fooled.

Being ten year olds or younger we got bored waiting for the clown to do his show so we decided to poke our buzz cut heads underneath the heavy curtain that saved the massive screen from being pelted with wet, sticky ju jubes not needed to fill out the forms of naked women on the walls of the cinema before the show began. Behind the screen was Ronald McDonald himself. We were so excited we damn near forgot our potty training. He was twisting together balloons into animal shapes in the final preparations for his show. It was better than seeing the Lone Ranger and Tonto rolled into one. And we were getting to see the famous clown before anybody else in Sliverville.

We tried to be quiet but eventually the white-faced, red-lipped, big-footed, red-haired corporate clown looked up from his work and spotted us. He was not smiling when he shooed us away with the words I will always remember Ronald McDonald for, "Fuck off ya little bastards."

We got back into our seats in a hurry. Our parents did not even tell us to fuck off. The clown was fucking evil. So when all the other kids began chanting, "We want Ronald!" before he finally started his show we filled out the chant so it became, "We want Ronald's head! We want Ronald's head! We want Ronald's head!"

No comments: