26 February 2013

If Wishes Were Horses

I woke up because I could not breathe. Opening my eyes I realized that I was both not breathing and blind. I was pretty sure I was still alive but I was not sure so I started thrashing about like a fish on a taut line.

Regaining my sight I saw it was 3:00 am. I also saw Sonja. She was over me, a pillow grasped in both hands.

"What the fuck? You're trying to kill me," I said like it happens every day.

"You were snoring. LOUD. I couldn't stand it any more. I wanted you dead so bad!" Sonja cried. "Sometimes I even visualise myself doing it then being all happy when you are dead and quiet. I guess toinight I just snapped. Too bad you woke up. I thought I was never going to hear you snore again!"

I did not sleep the rest of the night after that. Sooner or later, however, I knew I would have to sleep again.

As I was waiting for my breakfast at Ma's later that morning before work I asked her, "Does your old man snore?"

She snorted then told me, "He snore so bad some night I want to kill him."

"You ever think about putting a pillow over his face and smothering him to death?" I asked.

"Every night I don't drink too much and pass out," she confided. "Sometime I even see myself in my head pick up pillow put it on his head real slow then press hard wait for him to go quiet. Why you ask so many question this morning Beer?"

"No reason," I lied.

"Don't bullshit me Beer," Ma said, setting me straight. "You must snore too. Like bear. Don't worry. Your wife won't kill you in your sleep. We just like think about it. Think about it every night when you lying there, mouth open, louder than horn when Canuck score."


motorcycleguy said...

uh-oh...I usually say "Dear..just read what he wrote today!"....but I think I'll skip this one.

sailorbob said...

Lily and I never sleep together, it just leads to fights. She even says she can hear me snore 500 miles away.3252arneraibu

Anonymous said...

The secret to happy marriage, sailorbob?

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

I have to assume I snore as loud as my grandfather who I heard snore when overnighting at his place. About as loud as an Angel's Harley Davidson. Even at that Sonja prefers me sleeping beside her to sleeping in a separate room or a town 501 miles away. That's love, motherfuckers.

RossK said...

What the heckfire is Ma doin' on this thread?