Suzi the Driver

There is a woman that goes to my gym who is not quite right. Her name is Suzi. We had been gym mates for years before we got to know one another at all. I do not know what is wrong with her. I try not to be nosy with people who do not seem to be all there and she is not even close. That and I do not give a fuck. None of us are all there if you ask me.

Today she comes up to me and asks, "You know anything about insurance, Beer?"

"What kind?" I asked back, seeking clarification.

"I was in a car accident today," she confided in me. "Just a little one. I rearended a fucking Subaru."

I was the one who taught her to always use the adjective "fucking" before the noun Subaru. I think Steve Earle may have taught me. What I wanted to say back to her was, "You fucking drive?" I had never considered the possibilty of her driving before and had somehow never seen her driving in the parking lot which was probably a good thing because she probably would have plowed into me. "Sorry about that Beer," she would say, "You know anything about insurance?"

Suzi continued. "It's my first accident. I have to tell my mom and dad. I was hoping somebody could tell me how this insurance thing works before I talk to them later."

"I guess I do know a little about insurance. Enough to tell you you're so fucking screwed. You'll have to pay for the damage, even a little scratch will set you back $600, or you can use up your smash into one fucking Subaru free card on your insurance. Mom and dad will probably help you pay the $600. You want to save that smash into one fucking Subaru free card for when you kill the anti-North American Labour bastard driving an overpriced tin can like that. Don't sweat it. People cause accidents all the fucking ime."

"You ever cause one?" she asked, hoping I had.

I have never caused an accident. "Fuck no. I learned to drive on a motorcycle. Motorcyclists are a little more careful about not causing accidents than most people because when we do it is usually good enough to call the undertaker."

On my way home from the gym I looked as carefully as I could at my fellow demented drivers. There must be millions of them just like Suzi driving around thinking whatever it is people like Suzi think about instead of keeping their eyes on the fucking Subaru in front of them.

It is bad enough having the knowledge that half the drivers on the road are shitfaced, now it was beginning to sink in the the rest of them were a little kookie. The best of us we elect into fucking government.