Four Bottles of Water

Twenty years ago Melvin, an old friend visiting from England, took Sonja, my sister Sal and I out for dinner. He is one of those vegetarians who thinks it is ok to eat fish so we went to a seafood restaurant.

Melvin was rolling in cash at the time (lawyers would soon eat into his Swiss accounts faster than the closing bars of "Disco Sucks!") so he ordered us the best wine and whisky to go with our food, all of which was beaten over the head like a baby seal or boiled alive shortly before it arrived sizzling at our table. When Melvin ordered for us he asked our fussy little Chinese waiter to bring four bottles of water along with our drinks.

Sonja asked Mel, "What's the water for?"

Mel explained,"Everyone in Europe orders bottles of water with their dinner."

Sonja, who thinks water is handy to pee and pooh in, explained that, "We have the cleanest water in the world and it comes right out the tap fucking near for free."

I had my own reservations about bottled water and further explained, "You people from Europe are fucked up. I read somewhere that European bottled water is fortified by radioactive isotopes."

The waiter arrived with four glasses of water. Melvin, frustrated by Canada's utter lack of watery sophistication, explained to our waiter, "We want bottled water, Perrier preferably." He pronounced "bottled" very slowly, the way Captain Cook spoke to the Hawaiians before they cooked him up.

Two bottles of water sat on the table untouched as we made merry. Sal brought her bottle of water to her lips a couple times but I do not think she drank any. Sal is the politest of the Hockey family. Melvin drank half his bottle. Later in life Melvin got cancer. Luckily, he survived. It was the motherfucking French and their motherfucking French bottled water that just about killed him.