24 December 2009

The Man's Got an Axe and He Knows How To Use It


The list of things I am real good at is not all that long. Tonight I practised one of the things I am good at that I do not do all that often. I was using my axe to prepare the wood I will need to burn over the upcoming extra long weekend. Merry fucking Christmas!

I swing my axe, bought many years ago from the Army Navy, left handed. I never even knew I was a lefty axeman until Hunky Z pointed it out for this past summer. "What kind of a fag swings an axe like that? I bet Michael Jackson swings his axe from the left too." I am not perfect with the axe but I am close enough. I imagine the necks of people I do not like when I bring the steel to its target. Whack! Whack! Whack! Ha! Ha! Ha Ha!

Knowing which axe to buy is a skill in itself if you are buying a wood handled one. You want to pick one out that will not break off in your hands on your first camping trip. If you buy plastic handled axes you can fuck off and die. It is like the Stranglers used to sing, "Plastic's real when you're real sick."

5 comments:

Jon said...

Back in my wood stove days I had a very heavy steel handled splitting maul. You could swing that with any hand you wanted and no one would raise questions about your sexuality. Man did I get fat when I traded that thing for central heating and a computer.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

I too have swung a maul. Never did own one. The maul I swung was a strong handled one that helped feed the biggest stone fireplace I ever sat contentedly in front of. You could roast a whole damn caribou in that fireplace. Motherfucking maul was so heavy I questioned my own sexuality swinging it into the old growth.

Stephanie said...

At our cabin, I occasionally use what I call a big splitting axe for the big rounds. It's heavy as sin- I have to start in front of my body and let the weight and inertia help the swing wind up- and has a little steel lever-doohickey at the top of the blade which helps the wood split apart. Is that a maul? I like chopping wood, but there's a certain time where I can actually accomplish the big jobs- I need to have *one* beer....I'm smart enough not to try with any more. It's a narrow window of opportunity, though. Also, when the guys are sniffing around the kitchen later, asking what's for dinner, I can tell them to fuck off and get cooking.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

That was one of those high tech mauls you were using Steph. They are heavy as Anne Murray singing "Heroin" on Jupiter. The one thing I never drink and do is chop wood. I like my feet just as they are.

Jon said...

Whatever happened to that guy, Mr. Beer N. Chainsaws?