God Damn It! Are You Fucking With Me?

Maybe you get the same sort of feeling I get a week before Christmas. Where the fuck is that Christmas feeling? You know its there, and there is just a week before all that Christmas shit, but where the fuck is it at?

Sonja and I headed our separate ways today. Sonja went and found her Christmas feeling drinking wine by the sea with a few of her girlfriends. "We were just starting to feel good," she told me later, "when Leti's daughter phoned to tell her her car had been stolen. Leti had to guzzle the last of her wine so she could take her daughter to work. I'm sure glad we left that shitfuck of town. The crackheads would steal your house if it wasn't nailed down."

I hit the mall when it first opened. It still smelled of the farts of Friday night's shoppers. I left the Hammer in the car before I went in. Nobody was going steal my car. My shopping done, the dog and I headed into the mountains.

What we saw in the mountains was much like the dream I had last night. We saw three deer in the forest and a pair of hawks in the Christmas wind. The Hammer loves deer like I like beer.

I lit a fire before Sonja got home so the three of us could nuzzle in its virgin birth warmth.

I turned on the tv to listen to Cherry. He was sucking up to the army like Obama sucks up to Oprah. Then we watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It was beginning to feel like Christmas after all.

I poured us screwdrivers and we laughed through the night. Chevy Chase is one funny motherfucker. I would be funny too, taking what he was on.

Next we watched Bad Santa, the best Christmas movie of all. As we watched I was reminded of the story Randy told us in Mexico about the time he was building houses near where John Ritter was living. On Fridays near quitting time John Ritter would walk by the house they were working on with his dog and a cooler. In the cooler was beer and the best marijuana.

Randy told me, "The beer John brought over was lighter than Michael Jackson in his loafers. But the bud, all pre-rolled,was from British Columbia."

Not everybody in Hollywood is an asshole. That is the Christmas message this year, motherfuckers.