England

I ought to write more about the time I spent in England. Maybe I do not think anyone wants to read about running riots, punk rock vomit and the quaint fuckers I went to school with.

I began to think England just might be a queer fucking country when I saw which pornography was given the most prominent spot on the newsmans' stands. The English cannot get enough spanking mags. There are hundreds of different spanking mags and they all sell faster than a dead pop star's records.

It was the English who invented the computer and you can bet the only reason they invented it was so they could consume even greater amounts of spank porn.

I lived with several different families in the English countryside. The knot that tied all the families together was spanking mags. One family had a pile of it in the bathroom. Once I became familiar with my hosts I asked their teenage boy Cullen, "Is the spanking porn in the bathroom meant for wanking?"

"You mean you don't have a pile of spanking mags to wank off to in your bathroom at home in Canada?" he asked in reply.

The only reading material available in the bathrooms of my family's house was The Hockey News. Same went for every other bathroom I ever took a shit in in Canada. I guess maybe Canadians liked to look at pictures of Frank Mahovlich when they jerked off in those days.