18 April 2009

Quarterly Report

I have been thinking it might be nice if the modest audience of the Dope City Free Press were to grow. Busiest days around here are when I write about roller derby. Other than that, if I write something that people like a few more people stop and read. Too bad I cannot write about roller derby and stuff people like every fucking day.

In case you are wondering, this small Anarchist electronic press generates an average of 35 page views per day according to the motherfuckers from Google. I could not get any of the freely available counting gadgets to work for me except for Google's. That is why the advert is there, right above where you are reading, begging to be punished. (Just for fun maybe you all could hit the advert like 100 times after you are done reading.)

At no time have more than 100 of you read these pages in a day. That is not fucking good enough! Something has to be done!

Since I am not going to write about stuff people like or roller derby, no matter how much I would like to, I have been trying to think of a better plan to increase readership and advertising revenue. Something that does not involve quality. That is the way the world works. The shittier your quality, the better people like it. If you think that is bullshit have a look at the popular political parties of the world. Once they have lowered the quality an agency gets hired to write a catchy new slogan like, "This may not be the gutter, but there is a good view of it from here."


Laila said...

Show your boobies. Works every time Beer....

Jon said...

I read everything, but mostly on google reader, so I don't always show up as a page hit. The only time I get 35 readers is when 35 people google the words, "Funniest poem ever real gangsters". Otherwise, I have about 6 readers, but I like them. I guess that counts.

Showing your tits might work, but I would also recommend telling made up tales of monstrous excess and depravity ending in tear stained regret. People love that shit.

Most real stories go something like, "I used to like to drink and get loaded, but it stopped being fun, so I decided to quit. When I tried to quit, it turns out I couldn't. So then I got some help and I quit. I feel OK now."

People do not want to hear that shit. Tell them that you ran a smuggling ring that moved sex slaves in and out of 47 countries. Tell them that a caravan of 500 trucks left the brewery each morning to supply your personal beer needs. Tell them your fingers of corruption reached so far into the roller derby world that you controlled the outcome of every flat track match in the western hemisphere. Tell them that your henchmen regularly delivered a roll off dumpster of cocaine to derby officials to keep them under your thumb. Tell them that you personally ordered the gangland style slaying of every single member of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters when one of their locals threatened to go on strike against a brewery. Tell stories about six month long parties involving legends of the NHL, living and dead, beautiful sex slaves turned roller derby queens and drugs that nobody has ever even heard of.

Oh, and just to keep it real, mention that you never missed a day at the sawmill. That way fans from the New York Times will call your blog "gritty". I'm not sure what it is with that "gritty" shit, but The New York Times digs it.

Then very suddenly have it all end and reduce yourself to some sort of abysmally depraved state, living in a port-a-potty frequented by drug addicts so that you could gather their turds, dry them and smoke them for whatever narcotic effect you could salvage.

Then have your dear, dear friends, The Pope, The Queen of England and The Dalai Lama pull you out of that "living hell" and nurse you back to health at the finest and most exclusive rehab in the world. Make sure to say that all of that was nothing compared to the tears you cried when they stopped work at the sawmill and all of the millrats cheered and chanted, "BEER, BEER, BEER, BEER!" when you made your triumphal return to work.

And don't forget to thank Mrs. Hockey and your mom. Be sure and talk about how it pained you to see them weep when you could not eat the yorkshire pudding they brought you down at the port-a-potty because you were too fucked up from smoking the turds of drug addicts.

End it all on a triumphant note by explaining that you are now the head of an international charity, funded by the UN, that helps free child sex slaves in 47 countries and helps to train them as manicurists. But still, nothing compares to the satisfaction you get when you and your dear close personal friend, Elton John, reach out to help the next suffering addict, Lindsey Lohan. You might want to include some pictures of yourself speaking to The UN along with a picture of you and Elton holding hands with Lindsey while she cries.

Under no conditions should you read or make reference to ordinary dullsville people in recovery, like me and Frankie. Also, do not let the construction of this heroic tale in anyway interfere with your normal daily consumption of beer, weed and home made blueberry muffins.

That's my suggestion. You got any ideas for me?

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

I don't know Jon. I have a feeling I am not close to the top of the list of ghost writers George W. Bush is trying to hire to write his memoirs.

Jon said...

Bobby Jindal, the governor of Louisiana, will be writing an autobiography. The republican party has hired a co writer. He says his goal is to capture the Bobby Jindal feel. Someone asked Bobby if being an author wouldn't cut into his duties as governor. He said, "No". He figures his part, as co author, will be to stay late at the office and dictate some shit. It won't take more than a couple of evenings.

If you decide to hire a "co author" for you blog, I would recommend the guys who did Johnny Rotten and Sonny Barger's autobiographies. They did a pretty good job.

Anonymous said...

Wow... hard to top those suggestions, especially Jon's... that's inspired.

But maybe you could take yourself as a prisoner and threaten mayhem until you get what you want, which is more readers... don't know if that would work.


mollymew said...

Hi Beer,
I hate to be serious here, but PLEASE don't show your tits. The mind quakes at the thought.
But seriously, I thought that you had a lot larger readership, at least from the people who bounce over to Molly's Blog from yours. I have no objection to your content. It's great. Neither to your graphics. From that alone I thought that you'd have a larger readership. Over at MB the average is now about 109 per day. The largest number was about 450 in one day. A lot of these come over because of the graphics, and I'm surprised it isn't similar in your case. How do you label your graphics ? A catchy title may mean a lot in the google graphic search.
But a few more serious suggestions.
1)add as many tags as you can to each post.
2)I notice that you don't seem to have signed up to any of the blog aggregators or collections such as Technorati, Digg, Blog Catalogue, etc. Do !!!!!. Check out the funny little widgets at Molly's Blog. For a much bigger selection see Plawiuk's blog 'La Revue Gauche'.
3)Hey, don't stop blogging about roller derby or anything else that you have been going on about. The content is great. Most (almost all ???) "personal blogs" are infintely boring. Your's is not. It is actually quite artistic. Keep it up. You have a great fan in Molly.
Hopefully this wasn't too serious.
Good luck.

cherry grant said...

hey, we LOVE it when you write about roller derby! ;) the next bout is gonna be awesome. the new faster pussycats are all heart and hotness!

that said, I've been stalking your blog for awhile here and there, and your other entries are pretty great too. I'm surprised you don't have more readers!

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

I had loads of people come here to read about hockey and beer when I first began writing here. Hockey and beer are popular subjects. Some of the people interested in beer have probably persevered. Most of the hockey people have fucked off.

I don't know how Google compiles their numbers or know anything else that is faintly related to computers. I have seen several of their cars with cameras positioned atop them around town however. Google are some spooky motherfuckers. Spooky spooky.

To tell the truth I think having a few dozen people take the time each day to make their way here is rewarding as Hell. It is science fiction come to life to reach a select, eclectic and random bunch of motherfuckers like you who read this shit.

And besides, when a roller derby girl named Cherry Grant or Dawn Cherry lands up here, that, to paraphrase Chuck Berry, is putting the coin into the slot.

Laila said...

I started my blog in mid 2007, and have about 2600 regular daily readers,add in another couple hundred for the random readers. Tagging is important to grab readers from Google,and if they like they content,then tend to come back for more.

Whats worked for me? Variety,diversity and passion.I'll blog about anything thatgrabs my attention,and if it makes me go Hmmm,it probably does for others too. Although, I noticed that since the election and my personal stance has become more outspoken I've lost some readers I think were probably Liberals. The only Libs that read now are the ones in the Public Affairs Bureau in the Leg who need to keep tabs on that stuff.

I've loved your blog since the minute I found it. I love that you write exactly whats on your mind without all the shit the pretties it up. And when you write about Sonya it makes me melt...

However,I would love to hear more about your life, and your experiences throughout your life. I suspect there are even more riveting stories that are completely attention grabbing WITHOUT embellishing anything.

Gazetteer said...

Team up with Laila and mollymew and bring Jon in to write about the really weird stuff.....?

(and have more comment threads like this one - they're what I really love - like Keith Moon's sloppy drums)