Here is something none of you motherfuckers want to read about: getting old.
I do not mind getting old. I minded when I made it to 30 but I do not mind now. Like a lot of young people, I hoped to die before I got old; now it is too fucking late for that kind of thinking.
I do old man stuff like complain about the moles living under my yard. I wonder what is wrong with the young fuckers of the world. Why don't they pull their pants up? I miss seeing Bob Newhart on the television every week.
Recently, Sonja, the Hammer and I house sat in the Dope City retirement community of Punk Rock. It is a fine little city of expansive beaches and expensive homes. I had a lot of fun on those beaches as a child and, very soon thereafter, as a beach druggy.
The weather was not suitable for human beach fun on our recent visit. The Hammer was thrilled to spend some time running in the soft, cold sand after the beach birds. Sonja and I were happy to visit the many pubs. Old people like to booze it up. Old people like me.
I forgot to bring a toothbrush with me for our stay. Sonja was not pleased and made a funny face when she discovered my lack of dental hygiene. She told me, "Your breath is worse than the Hammer's sea weed breath. Go get a fucking toothbrush you pig."
I went to a big drug store, found a toothbrush and looked around. There were a lot of old people in the store. I was one of them. "Fuck I'm an old bad breath cunt," I thought. People read magazines and newspapers with their faces inches from the page. Several people smelled like urine. Half the store was for selling scooters. Nearly all the old people looked happy. Being half-blind, incontinent and barely mobile is not so bad I guess.
After I had looked over my share of the magazines I went to the prescription counter to fill a Viagra prescription. The pharmacist told me, "We're all out. The more of it I bring in, the more I sell. A new shipment will be in around 2:30."
The horny old bastards of Punk Rock. And shortly after 2:30, when I had brushed my teeth and swallowed a pill, I was one of them.