Difficult Delivery

The trunk of my Cadillac, the one that has ice cold Canadian beer in the back, is big but is not big enough to carry a fridge so Sonja and I had to arrange for it to be delivered. We were told it would arrive between 8:00 AM and 6:00 PM. A lot of help that is. The sawmill had to make do without me for a day.

In the old days stores had their own delivery guys who got to drive the big van with the store's name on the side home at night and wear a cool uniform and everything. In the neighbourhood I grew up in driving a store's delivery van was a prestige job: it meant you did not work in a motherfucking sawmill. Now the delivery work is contracted out and has no prestige whatsoever. It is a Hindoo job.

I was having my morning shit when the delivery guys showed up. Never before had a delivery arrived so early to our house. I wiped quick, put the Hammer in the bedroom, closed the door and let the delivery guys in to do their work.

First thing they had to do was take the old fridge to the garage. They got the old fridge on the dolly, belted it on tighter than the Sedins, moved a little furniture around and were just about to descend the stairs when the Hammer broke out of the bedroom and made her way straight to the two intruders. First she dropped the biggest guy. Laid him flat out and started licking his face. His English was not too hot. All he could say was, "Nice dock. Nice dock. Holy. Holy. Very nice dock."

His partner thought his buddy's predicament was pretty funny until the Hammer thought she would make sure he was friendly too. I could not really understand what he was saying as the Hammer licked him silly but I think it something about wishing he had stayed in India and joined the army like his grandfather had.

Once I got the dog back in the bedroom the fridge made its way down the stairs until the drool-faced twosome decided it would not fit around a corner at the bottom of the stairs. I was beginning to understand why deliveries have a ten hour window. Back up the stairs it came. I had them put it in the garden shed. In spring I will probably bury the fucker in a corner of the yard.

For some reason the new fridge, which was identical in size, made it up the stairs no problem. I asked the delivery guys how this could be so. They looked at each other like I had asked them to explain how to get the Canucks' power play working.

Then I apologized for my dog's crazy behaviour and asked them, "You guys have time for a beer?" They understood that English well enough.