15 November 2007

You Know How It Is


You know how it is at weddings: the only time people are not focused on filling up their drink cup at the bar is during the actual ceremony, when everybody is looking around to see who is crying, and during the short speeches a few people have been asked to give, because, as the success of reality television shows prove, people like nothing better than watching a fellow human being humiliate themselves in front of a crowd.

I published the little speech I read at Kitty and Hunky Z's wedding ahead of time so they could could give me the "go-ahead." My sister Sal read it too. They all said, "go ahead." Us Hockeys do not give a shit. Another member of the extended Hockey family read it before the wedding as well - Kyle, the guy who supplied the huge bag of weed to try and keep the guests from drinking too much and brawling. After he read it, aloud to his wife Stacy, the day before the wedding, he remarked, "Beer's not going to read this shit in front of everybody."

When I got to the wedding I thought maybe I should have brought a Plan B speech when I saw all the young children in attendance. But I did not have a Plan B. The response was split between laughs and gasps, like everybody was watching two or three especially limber comedians show them some sex positions they had never dreamed of, much less tried.
Kitty and Hunky Z's daughter Rita balanced out my bullshit with a heartfelt tearjerker of a speech about how much it has meant to her to have been brought up by such loving people. Apparently Hunky Z taught her, "All men are not assholes." I was real proud to see my niece show off her feelings in public.

The wedding was great, Stacy was the only guest to upchuck and she upchucked good all over the ladies' room and all the way home out the car window. She was drinking red wine so Kyle got himself a bright red flame painted down the side of his ride.

The bar ran out of scotch so I had the bartender pour me a big glass of Crown Royal. I did not drink much of the Crown Royal before I poured it off the hall's front steps into the muddy parking lot. Crown Royal is shit. I had to stick with the beer the rest of the night.

I was drinking Canadian; first time I had done so in years. I did not vomit, or perhaps I should say I did not vomit for a couple days, so I guess the Canadian went down pretty fucking good.

The disc jockey played the usual wedding crap and everybody danced like they were on American Bandstand. Shortly before Kitty and Hunky Z left the hall and headed to the airport and their honeymoon in Jamaica the deejay played Melanie's version of "(I'm Leaving) On a Jet Plane." I fucking near cried, the song is so beautiful and I had drank so much beer.

Here's to John Denver, he was one stoned motherfucker.

6 comments:

Nicole said...

Sending you a big cup o'Lion's milk...you know the saying...don't cry over spilled milk!!! :)

I need some serious sleep...took the kids to the airport last night to greet out green men...click the link in my post...I sent saskboy pics that he posted and a great video taken at the airport when the Rider's chartered flight arrived. You would have LOVED every minute of it.

Grey Cup party at my house...you Sonja and the Ham will be there in spirit.
Looks like we're even...I owe you a case from last year...and now you owe me something...I'll think it over...and NO it ain't gonna be creme de minthe crap like you suggested last year!!! :-P

Nicole said...

Have you been sick, Beer?
I am getting worried!!!

No comments from you congratulating me about the Riders venturing off to the 95th cup...maybe it's because you are making the journey to TO yourself???!!

anyhoo...hope all is well with you and yours!

Nicole said...

Ok.
Now I am seriously concerned.
I am ready to cash in some of the kids RESP's to afford one of those St. Bernard dogs...fill it's little barrel up with some god-damned scotch or whatever it is that you like to swill down and send the search team out.

Beer...is everything ok?
The Riders won the Grey Cup.
Where are you????

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

On Grey Cup Day I actually celebrated the Riders' win with several people who looked, sounded and acted like they were from Saskatchewan. You green motherfuckers rule.

More to follow once I get some sleep.

Mollymew said...

Hi Beer,
Mollymew here. How do people "look, sound and act like they are from Saskatchewan" ? Personally I spent about 15 years living in "beautiful" downtown Regina. As I tell people here in Winnipeg where I have been for the last 1/4 century "most people get less time for killing somebody".I have my own idea of how people from my home province look, sound, act and-yes-smell. I bet on Saskatchewan but cheered for the Bombers. Made $40 out of that one.

On a more serious note congrats on enduring the "Molson Challenge". It all goes to show that if you get drunk enough you can always get drunker with less pain and suffering than if you were to drink turpentine from a cold stone sober starting point. The wife used to drink said sludge, and it was a guarantee that I'd be in the most desperate straights before raiding her stash.
Here's a recommendation-the Canadian Beer Index at http://realbeer.com/canada . Consider adding it to your links.

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

People from Saskatchewan look bewildered, smell like barley and sound like Screamin' White Jefferson.