1 May 2007

The End is Nigh Loverboy

"Beer," one of my brainwashed Christian neighbours asked between slugs of my scotch as we watched Loverboy on the tv, "are you never going to accept Jesus Christ into your heart?"

"Are you kidding me?" I asked him as I drained my glass of its comforting potion. "I have something better in my heart than that dead fuck Jesus. I have the Spirit of Punk Rock in my heart. Jello the Baptist put it there decades ago."

"Jello the Baptist?"

"Yeah. Back when the rest of my sick generation was snorting coke and rocking to the mindless pop of Loverboy or snorting coke and pretending they were an Urban Cowboy, I was snorting coke and rocking to the Dead Kennedys. When I was at one of the DK shows somebody must have spiked my coke with acid or something because I saw Jello die on stage. But then he came back to life real quick. None of that three day shit. Who the fuck would believe somebody came back to life after three days? A motherfucking first rate moron, that's who.

"Anyway, when Jello came back to life on the Bad Allah stage he revealed to one and all that Mike Reno from Loverboy was Satan and that one day he would grow to be 10,000 lbs., destroy the world and plunge everyone who did not wear headbands into the darkness of Hell where they would listen to DOA records and Bruce Allen editorials for Eternity."

"Jello the Baptist prophesized a Reverse Rapture?"

"He did. And ever since Mike Reno began approaching the weight Jello the Baptist foretold he would become headbands have been on the Christian fashion comeback trail. DOA are probably designing one to sell as we speak."

No comments: