10 March 2007


The more I drink beer the more I drink scotch. As I was tasting a little of each at the pub this afternoon I noticed the Canuck fans had their beer bellies sucked in a little further than usual; their ball caps with the orca 'C' pulled over their hairy scalps a little tighter than usual; their loudass motherfucking shit talk about how good the hometown hockey team is just a little more obnoxious than it was in February.

I figured now was as good a time as ever to start putting Canuck Stanley Cup bets in my book. The first day of the Ancient Hustle netted ten bets in the book. This year I am offering 5-1 odds against the Canucks winning the Stanley Cup. I tell people the bet should be 7/2 given the Canucks sixth place overall standing in the National Hockey League today. Most people think they are suckering me when they put their money down.

What most sports bettors fail to grasp is the obscene amount of time they spend watching sports on tv dulls their brains so badly they ought to forgo gambling on anything less inevitable than their own death.

Phil was the only guy I approached who did not like the offer to take my money. "Fuck you Beer you cocksucking motherfucking cuntlicker," he said. "Every year the Canucks have a team that does not make you want to puke in your boots you hustle every dumb shitfucker you can into betting on the hopeless bastards going all the way. Fuck you. Give me 6-1 and you'll make a bettor out of me."

"6-1 huh?" I said as my head began to get that real good numb feeling I like booze for. Alright. "Ok Phil, 6-1 it is. But only for you. And only if you buy me scotch to go with this shitty beer."

"You're on Beer. I'll put $100 on that action. And you can buy your own scotch. Motherfucker."

Win or lose the bet, no one who has consistently bet against the Canucks has made anything but money doing so (thanks for the tip Jimi!), I will still be going on summer vacation this year. It is just a matter of whether I will be sleeping in a tent or a log cabin by a lake. A matter of whether or not I have a case of Arran's to go with my beer or just a case of Grant's ale cask.

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