Mr. Beer N. Football

Like any true Tim Horton's and Kraft Dinner sucking Canadian I have watched the Canadian Football league my whole life. I do not know a million stories about the game like sports writer Jim Taylor but I know a couple.

I used to go to games with a couple friends of mine but they got tired of me making a jack ass of myself in the stands so they bought season tickets so they would not have to sit with me. I still catch the occasional game with a couple of the guys at work or my brother-in-law Hunky Z. Like me, they do not see the sense of going to a sporting event unless the danger of being ejected or possibly arrested is a real possiblity.

It is because of assholes like me and Hunky Z that there are now alcohol free zones in stadiums. At one memorable game I may have had a few too many triple Black Russians before the game and then way too many beer. (If you are going to have a drink up before a big match - do not fuck around - ask your bartender for triple Black Russians - they turn you magically into a jack ass.) I was getting a little loud and I guess I annoyed some dick sitting not too far from a whole pile of us with really good seats. (Good seats are the ones where if you puke there is no one in front of you except cheerleaders.) When I got up to go to the bathroom the dick tripped me. I went flying and almost spilled my beer. It is a good thing I did not spill my beer because then I would have had nothing to pour on the motherfucker, who I could just barely make out right in front of me. Next thing you know security had me by both arms. I slurred at them about my wife never being able to find me outside if they kicked me out and whatever else I could think of. They let me stay so long as I promised to be behaved the rest of the game. I think they must have seen the dick stick out his leg. I behaved the rest of the game until we were on our way out of the stadium when I somehow spotted the dick near me and went over and vomited on him. Wreck my fun will you buddy.

I am going to miss the Ottawa Renegades' visit to Dope City this year. I knew Ottawa's decision to change the name of their team was going to be a curse. The same thing happened to the hockey Canucks. If the team had stuck to the name Millionaires things might have been different. If they would have used the cool old name we would have had a proper Stanley Cup riot by now and I would have been staggering in the middle of it.

There should be a football team in Sliverville and Dope City. Fuck Ottawa! That town is good for nothing!