10 April 2006
Those of you who read this space who do not live in Canada probably wonder if that motherfucker Mr. Beer N. Hockey is typical of his countrymen. You are fucking rights I am.
I know this because I ate at Tim Horton's today. I had a berry bran muffin, a berry yoghurt and a cup of coffee. When I ordered it the waitress cocked an eye at me like she could picture me shitting my brains out tomorrow morning, which I probably will do. I am not one of those Tim's addicts blocking traffic as they get in line in their car for their morning coffee and donut before work. I have a coffee machine at home that gets my heart started every day. But a bran muffin and a yoghurt every once in a while prevents the possibility of my ever getting an intestinal blockage. If I do though I will be sure to share my thoughts about it with you.
Henrik had a blockage once. He figured, "It was a box of Krappy Kraft Dinner that stopped up my shitstream like a bag of cement." He does not eat KKD any more and has had no further blockages so he may be right. Eating KKD is as Canadian as Tim's. Some say we Canadians smell of the stuff. I eat a box of the noodly goodness at least once a week. I smell like macaroni and beer and damn proud of it.
I would not be here today if not for KKD. When I was little the six Hockey children would share two boxes of KKD cooked in a big iron pot that frothed over the stove like a shook up Molson's as we waited, bowls clutched like Ethiopians in food line, for the enormous feed. Only two of the emerging Hockey family died of intestinal blockages before they reached school age. And that was only because Tim Horton's had not yet been invented.
Like many a Canadian I was saddened to hear the Scots beat the Canadian men for the world curling championship. What is especially sad is that Scotland is not really even a country. Scotland is like Quebec: they just think they are a country. Come to think of it, what with Tim Horton's being owned by motherfucking Americans, perhaps Canada just thinks it is a country as well.