18 February 2006

Rock 'n' Roll Junior High School

I began going to rock shows in junior high school. My school, which was more like a prison than the most violent prison movie you ever saw, put on about four evening dances a year and many noon hour sock hops. There were no motherfucking hip-hop groups or country singers. It was all about rock and roll.

The most notable names that played my junior high were Rush and the early incarnation of Bachman Turner Overdrive known as Brave Belt. Junior high school dances were great vehicles for young bands to reach out for new customers. Nowadays school administrators are too afraid a dance attracting a thousand people would end in warring gangs or police crossfire to promote such an event.

The other bands to play my junior high were cover bands. They all played "Stairway to Heaven", a song that gave us slow moving boys and girls lots of time to reach for a handful of whatever we thought was appropriate before Jimmy Page kicked out the jams.

My old buddy Don and I took the bus to the neighbouring city of Big River's junior high to see Sweeney Todd. Don was a big Stampeder's fan. On the way to the dance Don told me, "I'm going to show all the little sluts in Big Tits River how we rock in Sliverville." I was hoping a pretty Big River girl would take me out behind the big hall and share a couple of premature ejaculations with me. Sweeney Todd played the big hit "Roxy Roller" a few times and more Mott the Hoople songs than I have ever heard live before or since. Don and I danced with our choice of the prettiest girls Big River had to offer. The girls, not knowing us, did not realize what hopeless dorks we were and were therefore unembarrassed to be seen dancing to "Born Late '58" with us. A couple of them brushed me with their expansive breasts. The band played four amazing sets. Sweeney Todd were the closest thing Canada had to the New York Dolls.

My friend Cal's older brother Mike knew Sweeney Todd's singer Nik Gilder from when they had been in junior high. Nik wore scarves and massive platform boots even then. He knew he was going to be a rock 'n' roll star. If he had set his sights on pleasing the people of Sliverville and Big River instead of the rock 'n' roll whore house of Los Angeles he might still be a big star today.

After the show Don and I had to hitch home. We got a ride from some drunk, drunk, drunk motherfuckers heading back to Sliverville like us. Lucky for us the good people of Sliverville are the best drunk, drunk, drunk drivers on Earth.

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